STOP all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone . . . the Princess of Wales has been spotted buying bread at, er, a Windsor Farm shop.
Or has she? Because according to various loons online, it’s not actually her.
“Completely different cheekbones,” said one, while others claimed it’s an “AI-generated image” a “body double” and “a cover-up that gets more embarrassing and concerning in equal measure”.
Saints preserve us. If she was standing right in front of them wearing the Crown Jewels and clutching the hands of her three children calling her “mummy”, certain conspiracy theorists would still claim we were all being duped by dark forces.
You can’t argue with a sick mind.
So let’s leave the whack-jobs arguing among themselves in the darkest recesses of the internet and consider those old-fashioned things called facts.
On January 17, Kensington Palace issued a statement to reveal that Kate had undergone abdominal surgery, would stay in hospital for a couple weeks and, after that, “based on the current medical advice”, was “unlikely to return to public duties until after Easter” — meaning following the school holidays.
Pretty clear then.
Yet, after about a month of her being left in peace to recuperate, rumours began to circulate that the “operation” was a smoke-and-mirrors exercise to cover up something else.
“I’ve heard she’s had a breakdown,” said one of my usually sensible friends, ignoring the inconvenient truth that such things don’t tend to be scheduled in advance in the royal diary.
Hysteria and clickbait
Then came the perfect storm of several incidents that sent the conspiracy theorists into an online frenzy.
Kate’s name being removed from the website selling Trooping the Colour tickets, William pulling out of his godfather’s memorial service at the last minute for “personal reasons”, and of course that photo which had not only been edited but showed the Princess without her wedding ring.
The rest is hysteria, much of it instigated by certain factions of the US media generating clickbait.
Even after a photo emerged of her sitting in the back of a car with William, people who have probably never even met her claimed they could tell it “wasn’t her”. Sigh.
The mainstream media have known for some time that Kate is alive and well because she and William have been seen supporting their children at school.
But just like the deal struck with Princess Diana to protect “my boys” during their education, the same consideration is given to George, Charlotte and Louis, and also to their mother as she recovers from surgery.
Contrary to what Harry and Meghan might claim, it’s far easier to have a private life here than in the States, where camera crews follow you down the street.
Yet hypocritically, some of those who probably bleat about “meedja” intrusion by the tabloids are simultaneously propagating, at best, utter nonsense and, at worst, highly litigious accusations about William and Kate online.
Enough already. Just like the conspiracy theorists who harangued the grieving family of Nicola Bulley, after she disappeared during a dog walk, others are now trampling over the wishes of the Princess of Wales to be left alone until she feels ready to return to the public eye.
So now they’ve seen the footage of her at Windsor Farm shop, let’s hope they finally leave her alone.
HARRY RICHES GAMBLE
PRINCE HARRY has reportedly been skiing in Aspen, Colorado, with Corey Gamble, the boyfriend of Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner.
Perhaps he was picking up tips for a forthcoming Keeping Up With The Sussexes pitch to Netflix?
After all, one doubts that Meghan’s new lifestyle website American Riviera Orchard (sounds like a retirement village for wealthy Floridians) will flog enough jams and candles to keep up the multi-millionaire lifestyle they both clearly adore.
RESEARCHERS at a French university have concluded that the comfort of a teddy bear comes from the emotional bond its owner has with it.
Pas de merde, Sherlock.
My own faithful bear, Teddy Robinson, above, was already second-hand when I got him at the age of two.
Like me, he pre-dates the modern day obsession with health and safety and his head is held on by a 6in nail.
Yet somehow I still lived to tell this tale.
NO FUN, GUYS . .
A STUDY by Which? has highlighted some strange swaps in online supermarket orders.
Like getting beer when you ordered washing powder, or cream crackers instead of the ones you pull over Christmas lunch.
But perhaps the strangest substitution of all is mushrooms instead of tampons.
Button? Fine. But Portobello? Ouch.
Tom’s currying favour here
TOM CRUISE hired helicopters to fly in cast and crew when last weekend’s M25 closure threatened the filming schedule for the eighth Mission: Impossible movie.
You have to admire his loyalty to the UK, where he now spends much of his time.
He soldiered on through Covid to produce Mission: Impossible 7 – the box office blockbuster that helped cinemas to recover after the pandemic.
And the next instalment is providing hundreds, if not thousands, of jobs to those working in our film industry.
On top of all that, he’s fond of bolstering business at local curry houses when he pops in for a cheeky Tikka Masala.
So, given that he’s never won an Oscar from the snooty Academy committee, how about this country recognising his achievements and award-ing him an honorary title?
After all, the criteria for a non-Brit to be eligible is “that their work and achievements have a positive impact on UK citizens at home or abroad, or their work brings distinction to the UK”. Arise Sir Tom?
JOHN AND ED A GEM
THERE have been plenty of memorable showbiz “moments” over the years.
The A-list selfie taken by Ellen DeGeneres at the Oscars. Will Smith slapping Chris Rock for insulting his wife. Madonna falling off stage. Marilyn Monroe standing on a street vent.
But they have all been blown out of the water by an iconic moment spawned as a reaction to Louis Walsh’s appearance on Celebrity Big Brother.
Jedward broadcasting live from Gemma Collins’s hot tub.
Sublime.
MATCHES Fashion, which sells designer brands, has gone into administration.
A spokesman for owner Frasers Group says it has “consistently missed its business targets” and made losses.
Which prompts the burning question: Why the hell didn’t they work that out before it paid £53million for it less than three months ago?
Duh.
TEENS’ CHOICE
ACTRESS Billie Piper has admitted that she co-parents “with enormous difficulty” with ex-husband and activist Laurence Fox.
Laurence, who in 2022 accused her of denying him access to their children, responded on Twitter with: “Put children first. Don’t use them as a weapons.”
Hmmm. This sounds like a familiar story in many (not all) divorced households across the country, but there are always two sides to it, particularly when the children get older and form opinions of their own.
Their sons are 15 and 11, so chances are, it will be up to them whether they want to spend time with their dad or not. And most kids that age just want to hang out with their mates.